NEW YORK CITY, NY — Sources close to Levi Greenbaum confirmed that the 8-day-old Jewish newborn was "very excited" for a super cool party that his parents were throwing for him today, but became slightly uneasy after noticing a sharp metal device.
"Aw, a party? For me?" Levi reportedly thought to himself, cooing and gurgling at his mother. "And I've only been around here for a week or so now — this is great! Boy, Mom and Dad are the best! I wonder when I get my little cap. Huh, who's that guy with the robes?"
According to eyewitnesses, Levi seemed to stop his infant laughter for a moment and peered suspiciously at Rabbi Tzevek, who had just entered the party carrying a surgical tray, among other things.
"Hang on a minute," Levi thought furiously to himself. "Something's a bit off here. Why is he talking to Dad like that? And why are all my aunts leaving the room? And OY VEY! WHAT IS THAT SHARP METAL THING THAT HE'S GETTING OUT RIGHT NOW??? Is that a bat mitzvah???"
Tragically, Levi was unavailable for any further comment.
At publishing time, Levi had reported that he was "done with parties" for the foreseeable future.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
