Are you trying to break a coffee addiction? Have no fear, the self-help experts at the Babylon Bee are here! We assembled our research team and found the top 7 ways to wean yourself off coffee:
- Just drink 17 cups of green tea in the morning: Or if tea isn't your thing, just double-fist a Monster Ultra.
- Try something less addictive, like crack cocaine: This technique reportedly worked for Hunter Biden.
- Drink Starbucks: It's not real coffee, so it doesn't count.
- Punch yourself in the head repeatedly so you won't notice the caffeine withdrawal headache: Then smash your fingers with a hammer if you start to doze off.
- Just wait a few years until inflation has made coffee so expensive the only thing you can afford to drink is green gruel water from the wash behind the 7-Eleven: Gross!
- Look at pictures of coffee drinkers' lungs: They're the same as healthy lungs, but still.
- Take it slow and steady: Go from 8 cups of coffee a day this year, to 7 next year, then 6 five years from now, and so on. By the time you die, you'll be down to just 2 or 3 cups a day!
Or, you can just chill out and enjoy your coffee in the morning. Your choice!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.