7 Tips For Keeping Your Kids Safe After Giving Them A Handheld Device With Unfettered Access To Porn

Brought to you by:


So, you got your kid a smartphone. Oops! Big mistake there! Well, now that your child owns a portal providing unfettered access to a smorgasbord of the most horrifically obscene smut the depraved human mind can invent, here are a few foolproof ways to protect your kid!

1) Cast it into the fire: Destroy it! Smash the phone with a hammer! Feed it to sharks! Launch it into space! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? DO IT NOW! 

2) Make your kid pinky-promise to never look at porn: A second option, if you don't want to cast it into the fire and destroy it.

3) Abandon civilization forever: Move to the woods, 1000 miles away from any wifi signal. Live off the grid. Raise goats. Churn butter. 

4) Paste a post-it note reminding them Jesus is always watching: Or at least a picture of Matt Walsh's stern, disapproving face. 

5) Casually check their browser history every couple of years: Kids don't know how to delete their browser history. 

6) Hide in the bedroom closet: Whisper "I'm watching yoooouuu!" from time to time, just to keep them on their toes.

7) Nuke the entire internet from orbit: Just to be safe.


NOT SATIRE: At Canopy, we believe it's common sense that kids shouldn't watch pornography. But online, pornography is inescapable. Nowadays, most American kids are exposed to it before they turn thirteen.

Canopy’s app for smartphones, tablets, and computers makes the internet safe for kids by blocking pornography on every single website. No more worrying about what your kid sees online.

Thousands of families already trust our next-generation technology to give them a better internet. Click here to try Canopy free for 30 days!"

There are 152 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.

Get the Bee delivered straight to your inbox: