7 Non-Lethal Alternatives For Police To Use Instead Of Guns
U.S. · Apr 21, 2021 · BabylonBee.com

Police shootings are a major problem in this country. We know this because everyone says so. Why can't police just stop using their guns? We'll tell you why: because they haven't heard about these 7 much better options, that's why!

If you're a cop, here are 7 non-lethal techniques you need to start using immediately:

Show them a series of Jordan Peterson clips on your phone: Within 2-3 hours of viewing, the criminal suspect will be ready to take personal responsibility and find the meaning in life!

Squirt gun filled with pee: Right in the mouth. Works every time.

Bring Joe Biden with you: Biden is widely feared in the criminal underworld ever since his courageous showdown with Cornpop. One look at Biden and the criminal will surrender.

Try a Three Stooges finger-jab: Moe famously used this ancient technique to non-lethally neutralize Larry. Follow it up with a cheek slap and a nose pinch if the suspect continues to resist. 

Call a compassionate social worker: Within 30-45 minutes, a professional will arrive with a clipboard to question the suspect about their relationship with their father. While you wait for the social worker to arrive, be sure to distract the suspect with the pee squirt gun. 

Declare a thumb war: best 2 out of three wins! The loser has to drop their weapon. Foolproof!

Walk back to the police car, drive away, and get a job in sales: This is probably your safest option. 

See how easy it is? Now go out there and make a safer world! 


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