Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is hard at work narrowing down potential causes of autism, and some of them may shock you.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of newly revealed things that are suspected of causing autism:
Chucklin' Cherry Squeezeit drinks: You don't even want to know how much Red 40 was in these bad boys.
Slap bracelets: Don't act like you didn't see kids slappin' on bracelets and memorizing baseball stats while shutting down all communication with others.
Mixing a mouthful of Pop Rocks with Dr. Pepper: Dangerous. And now known to be super autism-causing.
Tamagotchis: This explains a lot.
Taking more than the directed dosage of Flintstones vitamins: You knew there had to be a downside to it someday.
Using the "turbo" button on a Mad Catz SEGA Genesis controller: You always suspected there was a catch. Now you know.
Not enough tariffs: Ok, RFK, did Trump put you up to this?
It all makes sense now. What else do you suspect can be blamed for the rise in autism? Post your ideas in the comments below.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
