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We thought we were out of the woods, and that maybe we could enjoy the holidays, but we were wrong. Omicron is upon us, and it is the deadliest plague humanity has ever faced. You probably won't survive. And if you find yourself having any of these Omicron symptoms, you will definitely die. Sorry!
1) Heartburn: If you find yourself with heartburn after eating pizza or onion rings, you probably have Omicron. Been nice knowin' ya.
2) Sneezing: Omicron is a perfect killing machine designed to replicate itself by inducing sneezes in the host. Diabolical.
3) Your bones make that weird cracking sound when you get out of a chair: It's the end of the line for you.
4) Being left-handed: To be fair, is life even worth living if you're left-handed?
5) The sun looks bright when you stare directly at it: President Trump proved he was extremely healthy and Omicron-free when he stared at the sun for several minutes unfazed.
6) Mild soreness after vigorous exercise: Oh no! Also, please sanitize your workout equipment. You may be dead soon, but you don't have to take us with you.
7) Existential dread: Thankfully, this can be cured with a visit to church, a nap, or a burrito. Unless you die of Omicron first.
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Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.