MILAN, MI — A local man has been rushed to the hospital this morning with life-threatening injuries sustained from sleeping in a slightly different position than he normally does.
"Normally, I sleep on my side with my right arm positioned under my pillow and my left arm over my head in a very specific way. I should never have deviated from that," gasped the man painfully as he was strapped to a gurney. "Please... tell my family I love them. Goodbye, cruel world!"
Sources say the man is being treated for severe injuries to his back, neck, shoulder, knees, jaw, and wrists due to the devastating effects of changing up his sleeping position ever so slightly.
"I tried to warn him about sleeping that way," said the man's wife, who wished to remain anonymous. "Why didn't he listen?"
Experts say similar hospitalizations are increasing all around the country. They recommend avoiding a similar fate by not eating any food manufactured in the United States and maybe exercising once in a while. "Seriously, just try to be a tiny bit more healthy and you won't have to worry about this," said one expert.
At publishing time, the man had been readmitted to the hospital after sneezing too hard.
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