U.S. — Thanks to Tuesday's global Internet outage, tens of thousands of career-ending social media posts were thwarted.
Approximately 32,420 racist or oddly sexual posts could not be published to the Internet today, sparing several careers from sudden termination.
"I'm so glad the Internet died. I was about to say something really stupid," said Hector Gonzalez, head chef at Olive Garden. "I work at a family-oriented business; it would've been a disaster if I let my mask slip for a minute and told everyone how I really feel about black people."
The sudden termination of Cloudfare services between 6:20 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. has been viewed by many ne'er-do-wells as an absolute godsend.
In addition to websites like X, formerly Twitter, and Truth Social experiencing an interruption in service, popular online game League of Legends was also briefly shut down. "This kid was off jungling with Sona instead of going mid like I told him to, and I was about to really let him have it until the game quit," said LoL player BLMRabbit. "I feel really lucky that all my latent hatred against Jews, Indians, and and women. Because I have a lot of it."
According to experts, the 32,420 careers saved today are living on borrowed time. "It's only a matter of time before these people slip up again, and the entire Internet may not collapse in time to save them," said Harvard Internet Expert Dr. Shilling MacBeth.
At publishing time, Bluesky's Internet services were unaffected by the outage, leading to the sudden termination of approximately 20,000 pedophiles.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
