PORTLAND, OR - Local 18-year-old Olivia Hannah Jones had to file her taxes for the first time this year. As she frantically tried to navigate the IRS's obtuse website and fill out the non-user-friendly forms needed for the little bit of income she made working as a graphic designer last summer, Jones muttered to herself that she really wished her teachers had spent less time on polyqueer trans theory and more time on how to fill out a 1099 form.
"1099-MISC? What the heck is that?" she muttered, trying to rack her brain for any trace of teaching she'd gotten in school that had covered this, but only recalling gender struggle sessions, critical race theory, and several drag queen story hours at the local library. "I really liked my math teacher Mx. Ryder, but I wish they'd at least spent an hour or two on how to file your taxes. Their coming-out party in our fifth-grade class was equal parts stunning and brave, but it certainly isn't helping me figure out what deductions I'm eligible for here."
Jones dug up her old notes from her high school economics class, but only found page after page on critical gender theory and a section on the systemic oppression of evil, colonizing arithmetic and its triggering effects on polygender people who bleed.
She sighed and rubbed her head.
"Well, at least I'll be able to get into Harvard."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
