The kids are really begging for smartphones this Christmas, but we all know there are potential risks. In lieu of purchasing your child a smartphone, perhaps consider any of these 13 safer alternatives:
A jar of meth: Less addictive than a phone, and they might just clean the house while they're up for 72 hours straight.
Measles: Painful, but odds are pretty good they'll recover.
A real guillotine: Aw, look at the kids playing "French Revolution."
Bag of broken glass: Safer AND cheaper.
Starving pet lion: Make the wise choice for your kids. Buy a lion.
Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab Playset with radioactive uranium ore: It will poison them much slower than a phone.
Cyanide capsules: Boy, they look just like Tic-Tacs.
A completely black outfit to wear when they bike on the street at night: Incredibly, still safer than a smartphone. Head for the freeway, kiddos.
Ride on OceanGate Titan submarine to see the Titanic: They've probably worked out the kinks.
The One Ring: Better off dealing with Nazgul than online predators.
A "Catch The Javelin" game: They'll be fine, kids have amazing reflexes.
Suicide bomber vest: As long as they don't press the red button.
Coupon for free trip on a Venezuelan speedboat: Maybe just settle for a flip phone.
Protect your kids from smartphones this year and consider any of these excellent, safer options.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni's visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he's about to become a dad.
