Be alert! Horror movies are proven to murder your soul by decapitating it with a spiritual machete. Stick to this approved list of certified family-friendly horror films that are sure to scare any conservative Christian family. Have a safe and responsible Halloween! We mean Harvest!
Turn off the lights and put on one of these terrifying flicks:
- That clip of Joe Biden talking to a ghost: The twist is that he was dead the whole time!
- Any clip of Kamala Harris talking about a tragedy: Never have you heard diabolical laughter this diabolical.
- The View: Six women talking about politics with no sensible men present to mansplain to them? A conservative's worst nightmare. Whoever can withstand it the longest wins! But at what cost?
- A Joel Osteen Sermon: You can almost smell the hellfire and sulfur burning as he speaks!
- That She-Hulk twerking scene: You haven't known horror until you witness CG twerking.
- A Boston Children's Gender Clinic informational video: Worse than any Saw film.
- Televangelist reruns from the week leading up to Y2K: These will scar you for life. Hope you're ready for the rapture!
- Mark Zuckerberg's Metaverse commercial: It's like he's human... but not quite. You can debate your theories for hours!
- That Rings of Power slow-mo shot of Galadriel smiling creepily on a horse: (shudder)
- Footage of Antifa riots: The braindead walk!
Watch all of them this season, if you dare!
NOT SATIRE: SO WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Horror movies can present a numbing effect that can sear our consciences. Most horror movies are intended to activate a fear response that gives the audience a rush. When presented with so many images that depict the triumph of evil, or portray excess violence and gore, our brains can normalize such images, especially in kids. These images can linger with us causing loss of sleep.
While there is nothing wrong with being entertained we should be keenly aware of what worldview is being pushed in the movies we watch. If you're a parent, you must know your limits and your kids' limits.
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Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!