With the whole nation abuzz with President Trump's proposal to reopen and expand Alcatraz, it's worth asking who, exactly, would be vile and dangerous enough to be imprisoned there.
The Babylon Bee has been given the following list of people Trump will send to a new-and-improved Alcatraz:
Every person who attended the Met Gala: High crimes against fashion warrant severe penalties.
Kathleen Kennedy: For the murder of Star Wars and millions of childhoods.
Skeletor: He has a skull for a face. That seems dangerous.
The guy who came up with multi-factor authentication: Even the darkest, dirtiest solitary confinement is too nice.
Liz Cheney: Traitors must be punished.
The Hamburglar: Decades of stealing hamburgers have finally caught up with him.
Losers and haters: Get 'em outta here.
Nicolas Cage: It was really entertaining when he was sent there last time.
The entire panel from The View: They must be kept away from decent, law-abiding citizens.
Steve: He knows what he did.
America is guaranteed to be a safer, brighter place with these terrifying people locked up behind bars. Have your own suggestions for people Trump should send to Alcatraz? Throw them in the comments.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
