Tech billionaire Elon Musk recently announced the first human has received the revolutionary Neuralink brain implant. While many are clamoring to be next in line to get a brain chip fired into their brains, we at the Babylon Bee ask that you first be aware of a few very minor side effects our crack research team has unearthed.
- Slight headache: Well, they stuck it in your brain for crying out loud.
- Every time your wife runs the vacuum you buy more Dogecoin: Also, is that vacuum looking kinda hot right now?
- You finish all sentences with "End transmission": You also call your friends "meat beings".
- Flight attendants ask you to put yourself in airplane mode: Rude.
- Your Bible has been replaced with an Isaac Asimov novel: Weird, your wife's "Live, Laugh, Love" sign was also replaced with "The 3 Laws of Robotics."
- Your family isn't keen on your new hobby of harvesting humans as batteries and placing them inside "The Matrix": Nor your quest to hunt down anyone named Sarah Connor.
- Your wife gives birth to a Roomba: You name it Z≤µ∞Y=Æ.
- Your neighbor's garage door opens whenever you sneeze: And you swear your washing machine just said, "Bless you."
- You can say "Boobs" in 147 different languages: And you let everyone know this fact on X, the everything app®.
- You own 17 Teslas: Five of them are pregnant.
Other than those mild side effects, installing a chunk of electrified metal and wires permanently into your skull is absolutely safe and effective. Give it a go!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.