As everyone knows, the Associated Press is 100% trustworthy in every single quote they have ever covered. It truly seems like they are the only ones, apart from us at the Bee, who don't add any bias or spin to their stories.
To commemorate the AP's long and distinguished record of quoting people accurately, we at the Babylon Bee have put together 10 famous historical quotes as reported by the Associated Press:
"The only thing we have… is fear itself." — Franklin D. Roosevelt: What a downer!
"That's one small... man." — Neil Armstrong: Everyone looks small from the moon, Neil.
"You miss one hundred percent of the shots you... take." — Wayne Gretzky: Sometimes, the truth hurts.
"I am literally....... Hitler." — Donald Trump: Can't believe he just came out and said it.
"Ask not." — John F. Kennedy: Words the Kamala campaign lives by.
"I have a dream that one day... little boys will be... little girls." — Martin Luther King Jr.: Oh dear.
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that men are... endowed... well." — Declaration of Independence: A strange beginning to the American Revolution.
"Give me death!" — Patrick Henry: Not a smart request.
"December... will live in infamy" — Franklin D. Roosevelt: Gee, someone hates Christmas.
"I did... that woman." — Bill Clinton: Okay, the AP might have gotten this one right.
Thanks for all your great work, AP!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
