WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Harris campaign have recently admitted under condition of anonymity that Tim Walz was only chosen as Kamala's running mate because he was the only candidate who answered the Craigslist ad.

Harris reportedly posted two days before Biden peacefully and voluntarily stepped out of the race. The ad, which was strangely brief, specified that Kamala was looking for a "joyful presidential partner" who loves killing babies, was not Jewish, and would change everything they believed to adopt all of President Trump's policies.

"We waited and waited," said one anonymous Harris staffer, "But no one would answer our ad. Things were getting down to the wire — heads were about to roll — when up rolled Tim Walz. His application mentioned experience stoking race riots and transing kids, but good grief was he a psycho in the interview. He wouldn't stop doing cartwheels and making outrageous claims, like that he was first man in space. Truth is, we had no other option."

At publishing time, the Harris campaign had admitted that Josh Shapiro had also sent a response to their ad, but they had thrown it out as soon as they saw his last name.

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