Ivy Leagues have been making the headlines lately, but what can students actually learn at a prestigious university these days? The answers may surprise you.
The Babylon Bee is here to put parents' minds at ease with the following list of critical life skills their kids will learn at an Ivy League school:
- How to plagiarize dissertations: Learn from the real experts.
- How to pitch a Coleman pup tent purchased from Walmart by George Soros: Those little poles can be tricky, so learning how to assemble them is a big deal.
- How to chant in unison by repeating whatever the leader just chanted: Few things prepare students for life in the world than doing exactly what everyone around them is doing.
- How to hate all the bad people: And by "all the bad people," we mean whoever you're told to hate.
- How to kill at 50 yards with your body odor: You can be a deadly assassin!
- How to have drug-induced gay sex for Palestine: The residents of Gaza are sure to be truly appreciative and will in no way want to throw participants off of rooftops.
- How to have an opinion on conflicts between countries you're not able to locate on a map: You don't have to know where it's happening, why, or who is involved to know that one side is totally wrong.
- How to leverage a degree that costs you $500K into a lucrative job selling overpriced coffee: Each $8 cup of coffee will get you that much closer to achieving your career dreams.
- How to treat STDs in the field: You never know what new disease you may wake up with each morning, so knowing how to treat them is key.
- How to make your parents reconsider their deeply held liberal values: In just a couple more decades, liberal education will build America into a solidly conservative nation.
It's plain to see that an Ivy League education is just as valuable and respectable today as it ever was. Don't worry about what your kids are learning, because it'll shape them into integral, productive members of Palestinian society.
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Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.