CNN has pushed out Reliable Sources host Brian Stelter, marking the launch of a complete rebrand for the network as they reposition themselves to report actual news and earn the trust of their viewers.

Here are ten other drastic — and dare we say promising — steps CNN is taking to turn around the network:

1. Cut back to showing Jan 6th footage just 19 hours a day: That leaves 5 whole hours for other interesting stuff!
2. Display the party affiliation and voting record of every anchor on screen: Hey — that's actually a good idea!
3. Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends: CNN will no longer pay its talent to molest people. Progress!
4. Hire Alex Jones for the 8 pm slot: More accurate than Brian Stelter! And followed by Joe Rogan at 9!
5. All anchors will have to deliver the news while competing in a soap suds-covered Wipeout course: NOW, we're talkin'! Also, Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper will be forced to wear those giant inflatable sumo wrestler suits. Must-see TV!
6. Move Wolf Blitzer's show into... SPAAAAACE!!!!: We look forward to seeing Wolf's weird holograms again.
7. Win over the Jr. High demo by renaming the network to PEE-NN: HA! And Anderson Cooper's name is now Anderson POOPER! BURN!
8. All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.
9. A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
10. Report the real news for a change: Or at least take an extra 60 seconds before publication to check whether the story is completely made up or not. Just a thought.

---

NOT SATIRE:

Want to learn how to defeat CNN and Fake News?

The Media Research Center (MRC) is the only conservative organization exposing leftwing bias in the media and destroying CNN.

MRC's efforts are helping FIRE fake news "journalists" from CNN, lowering their ratings, and shattering trust in the Fake News industry. Our goal is to expose CNN's lies and bankrupt the leftwing media business model.

Please help the Media Research Center expose CNN and the Fake News industry by making a donation of $1,000, $500, $250, $100, $50, or even $10 by clicking here.

Thank you,

Brent Bozell

Founder & President

Media Research Center

---

Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.

Watch Santa's retirement announcement