10 Drastic Changes CNN Is Making To Bring Back Viewers
Sponsored · Aug 22, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

Brought to you by: Media Research Center

CNN has pushed out Reliable Sources host Brian Stelter, marking the launch of a complete rebrand for the network as they reposition themselves to report actual news and earn the trust of their viewers.

Here are ten other drastic — and dare we say promising — steps CNN is taking to turn around the network:

  1. Cut back to showing Jan 6th footage just 19 hours a day: That leaves 5 whole hours for other interesting stuff!
  2. Display the party affiliation and voting record of every anchor on screen: Hey — that's actually a good idea!
  3. Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends: CNN will no longer pay its talent to molest people. Progress!
  4. Hire Alex Jones for the 8 pm slot: More accurate than Brian Stelter! And followed by Joe Rogan at 9!
  5. All anchors will have to deliver the news while competing in a soap suds-covered Wipeout course: NOW, we're talkin'! Also, Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper will be forced to wear those giant inflatable sumo wrestler suits. Must-see TV!
  6. Move Wolf Blitzer's show into... SPAAAAACE!!!!: We look forward to seeing Wolf's weird holograms again.
  7. Win over the Jr. High demo by renaming the network to PEE-NN: HA! And Anderson Cooper's name is now Anderson POOPER! BURN!
  8. All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.
  9. A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
  10. Report the real news for a change: Or at least take an extra 60 seconds before publication to check whether the story is completely made up or not. Just a thought.


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