CNN has pushed out Reliable Sources host Brian Stelter, marking the launch of a complete rebrand for the network as they reposition themselves to report actual news and earn the trust of their viewers.
Here are ten other drastic — and dare we say promising — steps CNN is taking to turn around the network:
- Cut back to showing Jan 6th footage just 19 hours a day: That leaves 5 whole hours for other interesting stuff!
- Display the party affiliation and voting record of every anchor on screen: Hey — that's actually a good idea!
- Limit sexual assaults to non-work hours and weekends: CNN will no longer pay its talent to molest people. Progress!
- Hire Alex Jones for the 8 pm slot: More accurate than Brian Stelter! And followed by Joe Rogan at 9!
- All anchors will have to deliver the news while competing in a soap suds-covered Wipeout course: NOW, we're talkin'! Also, Don Lemon and Anderson Cooper will be forced to wear those giant inflatable sumo wrestler suits. Must-see TV!
- Move Wolf Blitzer's show into... SPAAAAACE!!!!: We look forward to seeing Wolf's weird holograms again.
- Win over the Jr. High demo by renaming the network to PEE-NN: HA! And Anderson Cooper's name is now Anderson POOPER! BURN!
- All shows will feature voiceover commentary from Mystery Science Theater 3000: It's way more engaging this way.
- A new vaccination reality show where you keep giving the anchors a bunch of vaccinations to see how many vaccinations you can get before something weird happens: Informative and suspenseful!
- Report the real news for a change: Or at least take an extra 60 seconds before publication to check whether the story is completely made up or not. Just a thought.
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