WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bizarre coincidence, Senator John Fetterman has suddenly become more conservative after his brain resumed working.
Previously a die-hard liberal, Fetterman has stunned audiences by staking out a variety of conservative positions over the past several weeks, at the same time as his brain regained the ability to speak in sentences. With Fetterman's cognition continually improving, conservatives have sat dumbfounded as they found themselves nodding along with the Democrat.
"I don't know if I should be worried, but Fetterman sounds like he's speaking coherently and making valid arguments," said local conservative John Rogers as he watched the Senator on television. "I should probably go check my blood pressure to make sure I'm not the one stroking out."
Fetterman initially surprised constituents with his support of Israel, hanging posters in his office of every Israeli being held hostage by Hamas. "The moment Fetterman regained the ability to form a logical train of thought, he instantly became the voice of reason in the Democratic Party," said pundit Andrew Donaldson. "Now he's out there calling for Congressional ethics rules to be applied equally to Democrats and Republicans? He's calling for a ban on China buying up farmland? I mean it's not much, but so far a partially functional Jon Fetterman is the most rational guy on that side of the aisle."
At publishing time, Fetterman had sadly suffered another stroke and become an imbecilic liberal again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
