U.S. — As survey organizations continued to release conflicting information about the closeness of the presidential race, a new poll released today showed Kamala Harris with a huge lead among the deranged assassin demographic.
The results of the poll, conducted by a private analytics firm, indicated a distinct shift of psychotic would-be murderers toward the Harris-Walz campaign in recent weeks, with an overwhelming majority of crazy assassins having a favorable view of the Vice President.
"She's the choice of disturbed, psycho killers everywhere," said Blake Rumsey, professor and lead researcher at the Foundation for Discerning Data, which conducted the poll. "It's almost as if deranged assassins all share the same political and social ideologies. The group of insane, murderous, miscreants we surveyed said they really identify with Vice President Harris and believe she best represents everything they stand for. They also stand with Kamala Harris, Joe Biden, and other Democrats in their wish for Donald Trump to be removed from the equation… permanently, by all indications."
One mentally damaged potential assassin reached for comment confirmed the poll's results. "Oh, yeah, I'm a big Kamala fan," said the man who refused to give his name but admitted he was taking a road trip to visit Mar-a-Lago. "She's what I want in a president. Horrible policies, a bleak, totalitarian worldview, and a desire to see our enemies buried in the ground. I'm a deranged assassin, and I'm voting for Kamala!"
At publishing time, a subsequent poll also confirmed that Kamala Harris holds a commanding lead among Hollywood pedophiles.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
