WASHINGTON, D.C. — Word of a new gay nightclub spread rapidly through the nation's capital over the weekend, with the LGBTQ community flocking to line up outside the latest trendy hotspot.
"Word has it this is the place," said a man wearing a pair of black leather chaps. "The stories I've heard about what goes on inside this place will make you burst into flames. Because it's really gay."
The new hangout has been drawing rave reviews from the gay community due to its neoclassical architecture, with ancient Greek and Roman influences that harken back to some of the glory days of gayness. "This place has everything — bald Nuclear Energy Secretaries wearing stolen African tribal dresses, naked men shaking their boobs, and a pro-Israel Frankenstein's monster. Word has it there's a special VIP lounge called the ‘Senate Hearing Room' where things get really wild."
Though the building has reportedly existed for hundreds of years, its popularity within the gay community has been a more recent development. "That's how it is with all the best places," said a man in a loincloth made of Twizzlers. "Studio 54 was originally an opera house. Limelight was once an episcopal church. This place has all those columns and a rotunda with statues of a bunch of stuffy-looking guys in powdered wigs and whatever. It's fabulous!"
At publishing time, the line to get into the exclusive new venue reportedly stretched around the entire building, with a bouncer in place to make sure only the gayest people got in. "They don't let just anyone in," said one man being walked down the street on a leash. "You have to be a part of the elite. And so, so gay."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
