QATAR — In a promising development for over 230 innocent civilians held captive in Gaza, Chief Ismail Haniyeh extended an offer to release all the hostages. In exchange, he has asked for the nation of Israel to no longer exist.
"My terms are simple and reasonable," said Haniyeh from a jacuzzi tub in his massive Qatar mansion. "I will let all the hostages go, and all I ask in return is for the entire state of Israel to disappear from the face of the earth, and all the Jews who live therein to die painful deaths, praise be to Allah."
"I shall graciously provide 24 hours for the world to fulfill my request. Thank you."
"Also, I want America to disappear as well. Israel, AND America. Both countries gone. And everyone there should be dead. I think that's it. No more will I request. Thank you."
At publishing time, the U.S. had refused the terms, prompting the UN to accuse America of supporting genocide.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
