WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
"We must find out what these mystery devices are and what they are used for," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "After recently finding out they are not used to open doors, we must prioritize learning who put these things here and what magical powers they may possess."
Congressional business ground to a halt after groups of Democrat lawmakers were seen huddled around the wall-mounted devices in befuddled consternation. "Don't touch it!" Nancy Pelosi was heard slurring. "We don't know what it does. It might open an interdimensional portal. I heard about those at a secret meeting and I'm not sure we want to open one here. Unless there's vodka."
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries immediately called for Congress to pass legislation to allot $12 billion to fund an extensive investigation to identify the devices. "We must get to the bottom of this," he said. "These red boxes with strange, indecipherable writing on them must be important."
At publishing time, the Republican majority in the House of Representatives was rumored to be willing to agree to pass the $12 billion funding proposal as long as Democrats would agree to include an additional $10 billion of taxpayer money that would be sent to Ukraine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
