WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unusual tactic rarely seen in high-level negotiations, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky decided to try insulting the people he was begging for money from.
Zelensky further decided that the best place to insult that person would be their work office, surrounded by dozens of colleagues, with several cameras recording the insult.
"It is unorthodox, but I firmly believe going into a person's country, visiting them in their home, and then insulting them on national television is the best way to earn their trust and support," he explained. "First, I will explain that they do not know what they are doing when they negotiate. Then, I will tell them that their country is only saved from destruction because of the ocean. Finally, I will roll my eyes when they mention that I came to campaign events for the opposition party. That should do the trick."
According to witnesses, Zelensky executed his plan to perfection. "Wow, he really did it," said White House aide Larry Sanders. "What a bold plan, telling the people you're depending on for survival that they are foolish and weak. Let's see how it plays out for him."
At publishing time, sources reported that the strategy had not, in fact, worked out for him.
An elite force from DOGE uncovers the most absurd waste of taxpayer dollars.
