NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to raise more funds to support Ukraine's war efforts against Russia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky had ushers pass around an offering plate during his speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
"Please give as you feel led in your hearts," Zelensky said to the delegates as soft music began to play. "It is only through the generosity of people like you that we can continue to simultaneously carry out violent military strikes against the evil Russian invaders and keep making progress in our work to launder massive amounts of money for different corrupt regimes around the world."
Zelensky has been the target of increased criticism as reports of heavy Ukrainian casualties have circulated, despite Ukraine launching a massive counteroffensive against Russian forces. Public support among the American people for funding the war has begun to wane, with a movement growing in the U.S. Congress to discontinue sending taxpayer dollars overseas to help Ukraine. "Your contributions are so critical," Zelensky said. "Every taxpayer dollar you send to us helps us spread misinformation and corruption around the world. Thank you for following your hearts and giving to our very worthy cause."
The delegates of the United Nations eagerly filled the offering plate as it was passed around, providing Zelensky with the money he needed to keep the Ukrainian government operating and furnish all government buildings with PlayStation 5 consoles.
At publishing time, Zelensky had been unsatisfied with the amount and demanded all plates be passed around again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
