KYIV — Amid large-scale terrorist atrocities in Israel and an active hostage situation with Hamas, Ukrainian President Zelensky cautiously asked if now would be a bad time to maybe get a couple billion dollars of US aid.
"So, um, I know you all are pretty busy with all the Israel stuff," said Zelensky while nervously fidgeting with the new $40,000 Omega Speedmaster watch on his wrist. "But if it's not too much trouble or whatever, do you all have an extra billion or maybe two or three lying around that you're not using? I need it for, um, important war stuff."
"Democracy depends on it. If it's not too much trouble."
Zelensky promised the additional aid would also be a huge help to Israel since it will keep his Nazi brigades busy fighting Russia instead of helping Hamas wipe out the Jews. "I really don't even need that much," he said. "Just a few billion. Maybe 10 or 20 billion tops. That's all. Please and thank you."
"America is happy to send Zelensky whatever it needs without limit or oversight forever and ever," said Secretary of State Antony Blinken. "Even during this dark and tragic time for the noble Hamas freedom fighters, er, I mean Israel."
US officials have assured Zelensky they'll have Biden sign off on it as soon as he wakes up from his afternoon nap.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
