SANTA MONICA, CA—According to sources, the $75,000 annual worship ministry budget at Gracepointe Community Church has been totally depleted just over six months into the year, with worship leader Matthew “Aces High” Bogdan having spent almost the entire sum on various designer hair products.
“Hey, leading God’s people in worship while making sure your hair is on point ain’t cheap,” Bogdan told reporters as he motioned for a forklift to offload a pallet of custom-made Shu Uemura sculpting pomade. “A lot of people think leading worship is just playing a few chords and closing your eyes in feigned sincerity. But that’s just part of it.”
“They don’t see all the work that goes into looking this good,” he added.
According to Bogdan, the product he has should last him through the end of the month, and then he’ll have to apply for an emergency budget increase to get him through the rest of the year. “I’m not worried. They’ll take it out of missions or something,” he said.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that a small portion of the now-depleted budget had been spent on designer jeans and scoop-neck T-shirts.