SHANGHAI - China has locked down tens of millions of its citizens, forbidding them from even leaving homes or apartments, which is leading to starvation and poverty. Still, President Xi Jinping is undeterred, saying these measures are necessary to maintain their stellar COVID record of zero deaths.
"The glorious Chinese Communist Party has done such a great job stopping COVID, that we have 0 deaths," said Xi. "No other countries have even come close to our amazingly small number. And we have done nothing bad like killing people or putting them in camps or falsifying our records to make ourselves look good. We would never!"
The Western media praised the CCP's drastic measures, calling them "bold" and "effective."
"It's really hard to argue with zero deaths," said CNN anchor Brian Stelter. "China obviously places a high value on human life."
The Chinese government later revealed that every Uyghur in the country has come down with a really bad case of COVID and will be kept in a "very special" quarantine facility until everyone "gets better."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
