KNOXVILLE, TN — Sources within First Covenant Church of Knoxville recently confirmed that Cameron Garrison, the head worship leader, was quite certain that he could write a better song than anything in that dusty old hymnal the church still keeps around the pews for some unexplained reason.
According to Harry Flink, the church's alternate bassist, Cameron first realized that he could probably blow any of those old, outdated hymns out of the water as he was preparing for last Sunday's service.
"You could see the wheels turning as he started flipping through 'Abide With Me' and 'Nearer, My God, To Thee,'" Harry said. "He was shaking his head and trying to understand the basic English of the lyrics, then he started trying to pick out a couple of G chords, stroked his beard, and then stood up and yelled, 'Eureka!'"
"I was struck by inspiration, fam! That was the Holy Spirit at work, fo' sho'," Cameron reportedly said. "I realized that I could rhyme 'run the race' to 'full of His grace,' and it just struck me as so... so powerful, know what I'm talking about? Like, just, thank you, Father. That old hymnal was such a bother — wait... that rhymes too! Let me grab my notebook!"
At publishing time, Cameron had decided to start his own praise and worship music distribution service after the breakthrough realization that he could just make his choruses one word repeated a minimum of 18 times.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
