NEW YORK — With Daniel Penny unavailable after being arrested for protecting New York's subway system, Governor Kathy Hochul officially deployed the National Guard to protect New York's subway system.

"We desperately need the National Guard to come do exactly what we arrested Daniel Penny for doing," announced Governor Hochul. "Civilians have become too afraid to confront violence on the subway, for reasons we cannot determine. We are left with no choice but to send in men with military training, like Daniel Penny, to protect New Yorkers from violent, mentally ill people on the subway. We would have asked Daniel, but obviously he is under arrest for doing exactly what we are now begging the National Guard to do."

After months of watching innocent people get beaten to a bloody pulp on the subway system, Governor Hochul decided it was time someone step in and help. "Why will no one, no good Samaritan, step in when violent lunatics attack people?" cried Hochul. "How has it come to this, that we must send in heavily-armed soldiers to stop the senseless violence? Oh, if only something could have been done!"

At publishing time, the National Guard had been warned not to disturb mentally ill people who did Michael Jackson impersonations, even if they were about to commit murder.