WASHINGTON, D.C—To deal with the stress of being America’s top immunologist, Dr. Anthony Fauci has reportedly been speaking to a therapist regularly. But leaked transcripts have shown that such therapy sessions have recently taken a bizarre turn.
“So is um, is the real Dr. Fauci here right now?” asked therapist Angela Berkowski gripping her seat nervously. “It’s okay, but I need you to tell me which version is speaking. You can trust me. You’re safe here.”
“Is this the pre-pandemic Fauci, the March 2020 Fauci, the May 2021 Fauci, or someone else?” Berkowski asked with a sense of rising dread. “Maybe let’s just try this: are masks effective or ineffective?”
“You wanna know who I am?!” said Fauci, smiling creepily and rising from his chair. “I’m Dr. Fauci! I am Science! That’s who I am!”
“Whew! Okay well, now it’s just morally compromised, scrambling to save face modern-day Fauci,” Berkowski sighed. “I was worried I was talking to a crazy, ax murderer Fauci today.”
Angela excused herself for a brief moment to regain her composure in the bathroom only to be interrupted by someone bursting through the door yelling, “HEEEEERE’S FAUCI!”