NEW YORK CITY — Shortly after drawing his first breath, local newborn Brantley Evans immediately began searching for the comfort of a boob, only to find himself on some gay man's unwelcoming, hairy chest.
"Aw, crap," thought Evans as he searched around the bony, boobless chest. "Where the heck are the boobs? This is bad -- really bad. What have I gotten myself into?"
According to sources, Evans had only moments before been forcefully evicted from the comfort of his warm home of nine months. As he tried to recover from the shock, Evans was then ripped away from his mother and placed onto the waiting bare chest of a nearby gay dude. Desperately searching for some modicum of solace, Evans began rooting for his mother's breast, only to find a boobless horror.
"I know there's supposed to a boob around here, I just know it," thought Evans, wiggling his head like a slinky. "Nothing! Zilch! It's just a flat-chested oaf with unusually well-groomed chest hair! Aw man, this is gonna suck - well, idiomatically speaking."
At publishing time, Baby Evans had briefly regained hope as he was moved to another person, only to discover it was yet another gay man's boobless chest.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
