LA PUENTE, CA — Bucking years of tradition, the valedictorian at a local high school is reportedly not in any way Asian.
The commencement ceremony at Cashew High School, which took place on May 25, was already mired in controversy following the surprise announcement that this year's valedictorian is Brendan Harris, an inspiring young man without a trace of Asian ancestry in his blood.
"Hey, they can't do that! Can they?" asked Ms. Elmore, a devoted member of the school's faculty. "This just feels wrong somehow."
Asians had previously locked down the valedictorian title in schools across the country for the last three decades, experts noted. "Asians are smart," said sociologist Dr. Trevor Breaks, a professor at nearby USC. "The nation sort of collectively just gave up on ever achieving anything again until this Harris kid messed everything up. Now who knows how the Asians might react."
Harris said, "It's an honor to be this year's valedictorian of Cashew High School. It proves that anyone, if they work hard enough, can be as smart as an Asian."
At publishing time, an investigation had been launched to determine how it was possible for Harris to have earned higher grades than any of the Asians in his class.
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