WASHINGTON, D.C.—Tom Perez, the current chairman of the Democratic Party, said in an interview earlier this week that the Democrats would be "delighted" to have Hillary Clinton run again, all while a cluster of laser-sight dots danced around his forehead in a menacing formation.
"We would love to have Hillary run," he said, mopping sweat off his forehead. "She is the shining star of our party and the way forward for Democrats in 2020." He appeared to be reading off a prepared statement, speaking mechanically and carefully so as not to mess up a single word.
He then adjusted his collar and gulped. "In no way is Hillary Clinton a detriment to our party. She is a wonderful woman, beloved by all. And I, uh, just want to add that I have a personal interest in making sure she gets nominated for us in 2020, because she's a really good friend of mine and would never do anything to hurt me—err, I mean, hurt the country. I hope."
One host of the program began to question whether Perez was making this statement under duress, but then suddenly slurred, "I don't feel so good," before slumping over with a dart in her neck.
"I'm with her," Perez added, smiling and putting two shaky thumbs up, before the laser dots finally disappeared and he breathed a sigh of relief.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.