SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amid charges that Elon Musk's social media app "X" has become a dangerous breeding ground for speech Communists don't like, Apple CEO Tim Cook has elected to pull all Apple advertising from the platform.
"I refuse to allow my morally pristine corporation to be associated with disreputable characters like Elon Musk," said Cook while shaking the hand of murderous communist dictator Xi Jinping at this week's APEC Dinner. "Plus, the ADL, ACLU, and WEF told me I had to pull my ads or they'd break the story about what I did on Epstein Island. We can't have that."
Sources confirmed Cook had a lengthy discussion with the cruel tyrant who runs the slave state of Communist China, including how they can produce more iPhones with the same number of Uyghur slaves without too many of them dying. "At Apple, we are willing to make the hard, yet moral choices," he said. "In this case, the clear moral choice is to attempt to destroy the only mainstream social media platform not controlled by China. I mean, I have to. Or the pictures will get sent to the Washington Post."
Mother Nature, the vengeful pagan god presiding over Apple's climate change mitigation efforts, applauded the move. "I want fewer people on the planet," she said. "And Elon Musk wants more people on the planet. He must be eliminated."
Sources confirmed Cook has moved his advertising dollars over to Facebook, which is currently the preferred platform for organizing "Kill the Jews" rallies around the world.
At publishing time, Cook had been forced to denounce President Xi after discovering Xi had previously shaken hands with Elon Musk.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
