BOSTON, MA — Senator Elizabeth Warren is condemning the Underground Railroad for using devious and deceptive tactics to trick slaves into escaping their masters.
"This Underground Railroad was just there to fool people into finding freedom when they really just wanted to be slaves," said Warren angrily to local reporters while applying some red war paint. "Slaves loved being slaves, and many slaves reported that becoming a slave was the best decision they ever made. Their masters fed them and cared for them! The anti-choice Underground Railroad didn't know what's best for them like we Democrats do. We should have shut this down across the country."
Democrat experts are in agreement that slavery is in the best interests of slave health and that Abolitionists interfered in very personal life decisions that should be left between a slave and her master.
"These disgusting tactics used by abolitionists are just another way to push their pro-freedom religion on the rest of us," exclaimed Warren.
At publishing time, Warren said it's also time to do something about deceptive pregnancy resource centers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
