CAMBRIDGE, MA — Elizabeth Warren has called for a full federal ban on pregnancy centers, claiming they're killing helpless pregnant women by luring them onto a big red "X" and then dropping a piano on their heads.
"I'm mad!" Sen Warren screamed at a group of seagulls. "Pregnant women are being duped by the millions! They are seeking real help and these pregnancy centers are tricking them into being crushed by grand pianos just like in Bugs Bunny! This cannot stand!"
"And some of these women may not know abortion is a viable alternative to raising a loving child," she continued. "Instead of being educated on the virtues of abortion, they are dropping pianos and anvils on people's heads! It's horrifying!"
"Look at me yelling! Aaaaahhhhhh!"
Warren went on to claim that some pregnancy centers even paint fake tunnels on the side of their buildings to trick women into thinking there's a convenient pick-up window for prenatal vitamins.
"Women are running into walls!" she cried, shaking her fists at anyone who would listen.
Notable pro-life activist Abby Johnson dismissed the accusations, citing Warren's clear mental illness as well as the logistical impracticality of non-profit pregnancy centers buying that many pianos to drop on people's heads.
"Elizabeth Warren is a sheltered elitist. She obviously has no idea how much a piano costs or what it takes to move one," said Johnson.
Johnson went on to say that Warren is clearly struggling with her guilt over her own abortion and should consider talking to God about it rather than yelling at pregnancy centers.
At publishing time, Warren was seen stringing up her own falling piano traps outside Pregnancy centers to prevent women from entering.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!