MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people.
"I'm friends with a lot of Somali rapists, and they really aren't all bad," said Walz while prancing back and forth across the stage to the delight of his voters in the press. "Somali rapists are some of the nicest, smartest, most polite people I know, and many of them contribute to the economy somehow. Anyone who is prejudiced against them should be ashamed of himself or herself or theyself."
Walz's statement was interrupted by commotion in the crowd as a Somali rapist tried to rape someone.
"Ok, cut that out, this isn't the time or place," said Walz sternly. "Soomaali qurux badan baad tahay, dhaqankaaga qurxoonna waan ixtiraamayaa!"
Democrats admitted that while Somali rapists have caused some tensions among the local population, which is currently being raped, that rape was an important part of Somali culture and must be respected. "All cultures are equal," said Minneapolis DA Mary Moriarty to reporters. "I learned that in school."
At publishing time, thousands of Somali rapists were forced to leave the country to search for people they hadn't raped yet.
Heartwarming!
