KYOTO, JAPAN — According to sources, a secret lab located in the Kyoto Prefecture of Japan reportedly leaked a devastating virus that has caused millions of people around the world to call in sick to work.
Health officials warned that the virus could be the deadliest ever, or absolutely nothing at all. "All we know is that people are calling in sick from work around the globe in numbers we have never seen," said World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Bjorn Skelvig. "That can only mean that we're in the midst of a deadly pandemic. Or something else, we're not entirely sure."
U.S. government officials reportedly reached out to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Interim Director J. Reggie Moffit for guidance, but he had apparently called in sick for work.
Businesses reported that over 50% of all employees were calling off work, including entire departments. This caused quite a stir in Washington, D.C., with President Donald Trump now calling for two weeks to slow the spread of whatever it is.
"We're going to need two weeks," Trump said. "Just two weeks to slow the spread of the deadliest virus. The Japan virus, I call it. I don't know what it is, but Barron's got it. He's quarantined himself in his room all day. I hope he makes it."
At publishing time, millions of people went back to work after the virus's servers reportedly crashed.
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