WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy announced this morning that the USS Harvey Milk will be officially renamed the USS No Homo.
Christened the 'Harvey Milk' four years ago in honor of the infamous gay sexual predator, the ship's name change reflects a broader effort by military leadership to clarify that the Navy isn't actually that gay.
"Despite the uniforms, the Navy isn't just nancy boys and fairies," said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. "The names of our ships ought to reflect that non-gayness. It's hard enough for them already, wearing their fruity little sailor outfits, without also having their ships named after gay child molesters. Therefore, we have officially renamed the ship the 'No Homo' out of love and care for our Navy brothers. No homo."
Gay rights activists have condemned the decision, stating it is a blatant denial of the truth as the ship is obviously very gay. "Who do you think you're fooling? The ship is a literally called an 'oiler', its whole job is oiling up other ships, and it's docked in San Fran. It's a total flamer," said local activist Mikai Danielson. "Methinks Secretary Hegseth doth protest too much."
At publishing time, Secretary Hegseth had issued an order for everyone to stop calling Navy guys "seamen."
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