VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.
According to U.S. General Roger Franklins, the Venezuelan troops had been on the 'Maduro Diet' for so long that they threw down their rifles almost immediately in exchange for a hot meal.
"Think of the most lopsided victories in history," Franklins explained. "Cannae, Operation Desert Storm, the battle of Pavia. This U.S. wins makes those look like kids playing with dart guns. I mean, those boys were starving — no sooner did our interpreters finish saying the words "topped with A-1 Sauce" than the entire army started kneeling on the ground with their hands in the air. Most beautiful battle I ever saw."
According to the Venezuelan troops, the sting of humiliation tastes much better than review marches under Maduro ever did.
"We might be losers in the eyes of our dictator, but at least we have food to eat," explained one corporal, hungrily eyeing his comrades' plates. "We were prepared for Americans with machine guns, but Americans with cheeseburgers? We had no chance."
At publishing time, the Venezuelans had retaliated by sabotaging the Americans' food supply with spicy chiles.
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