U.S. — People with unattractive faces celebrated this week as locales and businesses across the nation began reinstituting mask mandates.
"Finally!" said local schlub Stan Reasons. "It will be so nice to finally cover my unsightly mug."
The sporadic return of mask mandates has followed a recent uptick in COVID cases due to a mild but contagious variant. "I'm not worried about COVID, I'm just worried about my hideous face," said Ben Reynolds. "This strain is like a common cold. I haze zero concern about catching it - my only concern is catching sight of my ghastly face in a mirror."
Excitement spread quickly across the ugly community as word spread of the renewed masking measures. "What a gift," said Mr. Reasons. "We're all back on a level playing field, face-wise. I can pose for a picture and once again know that my face will be totally covered by surgical grade polypropylene."
At publishing time, sources report that Rutgers‘ mask mandate had instantly transformed it into the number one college for ugly people.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
