LAS VEGAS, NV — After leading a massive audience in a chant for slain Russian activist Alexei Navalny, pop band U2's lead singer Bono, along with his bandmates, were obliterated by a Russian space nuke.
"Apparently Putin would never, ever say his name. So I thought tonight, the people who believe in freedom must say his name. Not just remember it, but say it," Bono told the audience moments before an orbital nuclear blast destroyed everything on stage.
Russian President Vladimir Putin denied responsibility for the attack and asserted the nuclear missile with "U.S.A. Sux" written in Russian must have been a CIA false flag operation.
"There is no way our superior nuclear missile was used to bomb the bejeebies out of that Irish pansy Bono," Putin commented through an interpreter. "He must have died from natural causes or suicide by nuclear blast or something."
As of publishing time, U.S. national security experts warned Russia could launch more nuclear missiles on anyone who criticizes Biden's handling of immigration or the U.S. president's mental capacity.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
