PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
"Another horrible crime that could have been prevented," said a police department spokesperson. "Why do they keep letting these turkeys foreign off the hook?"
According to official court documents, the turkey, a refugee from Afghanistan, had been in and out of prison during Biden's presidential term on charges of trespassing, grand theft auto, and illegal narcotics possession. Each time he was arrested, a Democrat-appointed judge would find some reason to let him out of prison early. After his most recent arrest for attempted kidnapping of a Christmas goose, it seemed that he would be in turkey prison for the rest of his life until President Biden stepped in to pardon him again.
"I love birds, that's why I'm pardoning this bird here," President Biden said at the pardoning ceremony ahead of his final Thanksgiving at the White House. "Fleemity flam... flam... flammers... floozle. No, I'm serious. Think about it, man."
Unfortunately, the pardoned tom then went on to murder two innocent young turkeys. He was apprehended after witnesses complained of heavy gobbling. When authorities arrived, the turkey was seemingly enjoying a Thanksgiving meal of his own.
"I pulled up expecting to handle a minor domestic dispute, but then this turkey calmly answers the door covered in blood and feathers," Portland Police Officer Charles Lindfield said. "I couldn't stop vomiting for 10 minutes."
At publishing time, prosecutors announced that they would be seeking the maximum sentence of deep-frying the turkey.
Heartwarming!
