WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump's seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.
Trump was left befuddled this week as the administration suffered a string of legal setbacks despite all of his lawyers having large bra sizes.
"How could she lose, she's so hot," wondered Trump. "It doesn't make any sense. Our lawyer clearly has a much larger bust than their lawyer. It's not even close. It's embarrassing, frankly, the bust comparison. We should have won easily. Maybe the judge is gay, or blind. There's no other way to explain it."
White House aides reportedly tried suggesting to Trump that perhaps he should consider other factors besides bust size when choosing a lawyer. "That is so dumb," responded Trump. "It could be the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Do you think Sydney Sweeney has lost any arguments lately? Have you ever seen a woman with a large bust lose an argument? No, you haven't. It's ridiculous."
At publishing time, Trump had hired a plastic surgeon to help ensure his lawyers didn't lose any more cases.
Heartwarming!
