U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.
The new plan, which administration insiders said would be implemented immediately, would turn the city into a prison colony for America's worst criminals, most of whom already reside in San Francisco.
"It's a tremendous idea, frankly," Trump told reporters. "We're going to create one big, beautiful prison city, just like the British did with Australia. We will round up all the bad people in our country and ship them off to Alcatraz, which will now encompass all of San Francisco. We're going to build a big fence all around the city and make California pay for it. Most of the awful people are already in San Francisco anyway, so it's a great idea. We just need it to be bigger."
When asked what effect this expansion would have on other Bay Area residents, Trump was resolute. "If they were good people, they wouldn't live there," he said. "Nothing will make America safer and more secure than fencing off San Francisco from the rest of the country. They're bad folks there. All of them. We'll make sure Nancy Pelosi is in there, too."
Polls showed overwhelming support among Americans for fencing San Francisco off from the rest of the country.
At publishing time, sources said construction on the fence was expected to begin later this week, with future expansion plans to include the entire state of California.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
