WASHINGTON, D.C. — With tensions rising over an ongoing trade dispute, President Donald Trump threatened to send in the military to seize control of Canada's maple syrup supply.
Maple syrup had become a key sticking point in negotiations, with Canadian negotiators repeatedly using the potential halt of syrup exports as a bargaining chip in an attempt to extract concessions from the Americans. Trump, however, refused to be cowed.
"A civilization will be erased tonight, and we will have our maple syrup," retorted Trump. "We're going in, and we're going to take the maple trees, the extract, everything. We'll take all of your syrup reserves, and bring it right back here to America, and I will pour it all over my pancakes. I won't even try to mop up the rest of the syrup on my plate with an extra pancake, I'll just waste it, because it won't matter when we own the entire world's maple syrup supply. And there's nothing Canada can do about it, because they're weak and they're soft. Probably because they eat too many pancakes, if I'm being honest."
Shocked Canadian diplomats responded in outrage to Trump's threat, calling it an outrageous bluff. "You wouldn't dare," said lead negotiator Oliver Tremblay. "No one would launch a full-scale military assault over maple syrup. It's insane."
Trump, however, responded with deadly sincerity. "Saturday is always pancake day at the White House, and pancake day means maple syrup. I'm going to have my maple syrup, one way or another," said Trump. "Abrams tanks, rolling through the maple forests. It will be a beautiful sight. Do you know I make the best pancakes? Everyone at the White House says so. I'll invite you over some Saturday. I'll even let you have a little bit of my maple syrup, because I'm very kind like that."
At publishing time, Trump had also threatened to use the military to seize Canada's abundant supply of below-average hockey teams.
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