NEW YORK, NY — Following his felony conviction on 34 counts, former President Trump has officially been sentenced to four years of confinement in an oval-shaped cell in the heart of Washington, DC.
"Trump will begin serving his sentence on approximately January 20, 2025," announced news anchor Nichole Wallace. "An entire team of law enforcement officers dubbed 'Secret Service' will monitor Trump for the entire duration of his four-year sentence. In addition to being in an oval cell, Trump will be required to perform community service such as host heads of nations, sign bills into law, and pardon turkeys on Thanksgiving."
Legal experts state that Trump will be allowed to have visitors in the oval-shaped room, as well as access to a phone. "Four years is a long time for what's supposed to be a misdemeanor, but the people have spoken," said legal analyst John Carmichael. "Trump better get used to the idea of four years of hard time in a carpeted, oval room with oddly terrible furniture."
At publishing time, Trump had reportedly also been sentenced to a fine of negative fifty million dollars.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
