SAN FRANCISCO — Nicolas Cage has successfully infiltrated Alcatraz after being tapped by President Trump to reoccupy the famous island prison.
Present Trump announced plans to rebuild and reopen Alcatraz as a federal prison Sunday after watching Michael Bay's The Rock, saying, "It's just tremendous non-stop action from beginning to end. I give it two big thumbs way up — and my thumbs are pretty big, believe me."
According to sources, President Trump chose Cage for the highly sensitive mission because Sean Connery was unavailable. "'Welcome to the Rock!' He really said that. It's a line from the movie," Trump said. "So I told Nic — I said, Nicki, you got to get in there and open the door for the SEALs, okay, and you gotta say, 'Welcome to the Rock!' I had him say it to me like he was going to say it to them, and it sounded so cool."
Cage reportedly executed an underwater approach and entered the prison showers through an underground tunnel system. He then established a base camp and directed Navy SEALs to sweep and clear the former prison of park rangers and tourists. Experts believe this was overkill and he could have simply booked a ferry to transport him to the island.
Politicians, even those in favor of turning the popular tourist attraction into a working federal prison, have questioned Trump's methods. "It's highly irresponsible to put a civilian actor in charge of a team of U.S. Navy SEALs," said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "I don't care how good The Rock is."
At publishing time, Nicolas Cage had described the mission as "way easier than the first time."
The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.
