SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of his ongoing crusade to change the name of each body of water in the world, President Donald Trump announced on Wednesday that the San Francisco Bay would now be known as the "Gulf of Criminals."
The move to rename the bay coincides with Trump's push to reopen and expand Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary, with the president saying the new title would be a perfect reflection of the body of water and the city itself.
"We'll call it what it is," Trump told reporters when announcing the new name. "It's a gulf and it's going to be full of criminals. A Gulf of Criminals. I think it's a great name. You'll never mistake it with anything else. There are many gulfs, but there will only be one Gulf of Criminals. And it's perfect for San Francisco, too. A lot of criminals there. And feces. So many piles of feces. That was the other potential name we considered — Gulf of Feces. But we decided Gulf of Criminals was better."
The White House celebrated the bay's new title while highlighting the mark President Trump was leaving on history. "No other president has renamed so many bodies of water," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. "Along with the Gulf of America (formerly the Gulf of Mexico) and the Arabian Gulf (previously the Persian Gulf), the new Gulf of Criminals will cement Trump in history books as the president who changed geography itself."
At publishing time, Trump had also ordered officials to set up sightseeing tours in the Gulf of Criminals so tourists could see and pet real, live criminals.
The USA undeniably trumps our neighbors to the north.
