WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced on Thursday that President Donald Trump had secured a deal with the Miss America Pageant to crown the next White House press secretary.
Trump himself will reportedly crown the new press secretary, after which he will present her with a classified security briefing and she will board Air Force One to begin her new role.
"She'll have all of the qualifications we're looking for," explained Trump. "I thought about starting the search over, when I realized that the Miss America Pageant is already doing the screening work for us. Why reinvent the wheel when they have pros, absolute pros, judging these women on brains, talent, and how they look in a bikini? We can just sit back and let them do the work for us. It's so brilliant, I almost can't believe that I thought of it."
"Heeere she comes, Miss Press Secretaryyyy," sang the network choir, rehearsing for the big pageant.
According to pageant sources, contestants were ecstatic about the new development. "OMG!" said Miss Arizona, Misty Barnard. "I've spent my whole life learning how to smile and give a two-minute answer that has absolutely nothing to do with the question. I can't believe there's a job for that! And now I can finally use my platform to actually bring about world peace."
At publishing time, Miss Arizona had been disqualified for suggesting Trump hadn't already achieved world peace.
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